Whether we consciously speak to it or not, the first time we hold our little one, a million thoughts and feelings rush through our veins. We have hopes, dreams, and desires for that small person—at the time it feels natural to have them. From the parents I speak to, there is typically no vision of that child having a gender other than the one assigned at birth.
So what happens when a child discloses to a parent that they are or may be trans, gender diverse, gender queer, agender, gender non-binary or gender non-conforming?
Usually, some mix of these emotions surge for the parent: fear, anger, sadness, confusion, and anxiety. This does not take away from the love you feel for your child, but it is usually a shocking situation filled with tons of questions that do not always have corresponding answers.
It’s OK to feel whatever you are feeling as a parent. It is OK to need a little time to process the experience WHILE still reacting to your child with love and care. It is OK to remind your child that no matter what you love them AND this may feel a little _____ (insert emotion: scary?).
Therapy is a place parents can use to process their emotional experiences and to learn information about gender diverse communities.
What do these words mean? How is this the same/different from sexual orientation? How do I help my child make decisions about negotiating relationships, determining which bathroom to use, and/or disclosing to others?
I believe therapy can be especially important for parents as they likely will want to talk about their thoughts and feelings and at the same time not want to disclose this information to others until their child is ready for that. As a parent, you don’t want to out your child, but still will want to process.
Therapy is a confidential space that will not take away from your child’s autonomy and right to openly share this information with others.
In addition to counseling, here are also some resources that I find to be helpful for families:
The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper
The Transgender Teen: A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens. By Stephanie Brill and Lisa Kenney
These two books (depending on the age of your child) are helpful for the parents who are interested in learning information about what it means to be trans or GNC. It gives a lot of information that is helpful and helps to satisfy parents who desire more concrete information.
Unconditional: A Guide to Loving and Supporting Your LGBTQ Child (Book for Parents of a Gay or Transgender Child) by Telaina Eiksen
This book speaks to parents on what appears to be a more emotional level. It addresses the topics of your child coming out in a loving and caring manner, while throwing some humor in. It also provides some step-by-step ideas on what to do in various situations.
I Promised Not to Tell: Raising a transgender child. By Cheryl B. Evans (mom)
This book is a narrative written by a mom whose child identified as transgender. Cheryl Evans writes about her experience as a mother whose child identified as transgender. She talks about the ways she reconciles with religion and having a gender diverse child, how she advocated through various systems to fight for her child’s right, and how she managed her child’s social and medical transition. Cheryl provides her perspective and offers her opinions on various concepts related to being trans—some of these you may agree or disagree with. However, her view is one way to think about and approach supporting a trans identified child/teen.
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